I haven’t been in the mood to blog much this month. Which has been a bit of a problem since I also work as a blogger for a indie film company.
We got moved into our amazing new apartment in Dusseldorf, my husband started his new job, and I was almost done writing my first installment for a western saga I was starting. Things were looking up for us. Then one day I was walking home from the grocery and just started crying. I had a feeling my grandmother had passed away.
When I got home I had a message from my mother. Granny, her mother, had not passed yet but was in the last stages of life. She would be gone in a few hours.
I called my mother who was with Granny. She held the phone up for Granny and I was able to talk to her, tell her how much I loved her and that I was on my way to her. Mom said Granny smiled a little when she heard my voice and turned toward the phone but she wasn’t able to open her eyes or speak to me. Granny was gone only a few hours after that.
It was a very hard loss. Granny was 99 and a half years old. She passed almost exactly 6 months from her 100th birthday. I made it to Wichita, KS the next day but it was too late to see her. I have spent a lot of time with Granny the last several years, actually I’ve spent a lot of time with her my whole life. But once she went into the nursing home I made a point to go see her every week unless I was sick.
I have so many memories of her. It was so hard leaving her when I moved to Europe with my husband. It wasn’t as hard to leave my parents. They can use Skype and call so I knew I could keep in touch with them but Granny was different. She could barely hear or see and was confined to her bed or her wheelchair if they used a lift to get her up. She couldn’t call me on her own and while Mom did help her Skype with me once or twice since I moved it wasn’t easy for her.
I am so glad I got to come back for her last birthday. I can never thank my husband enough for making sure I got to do that. He has been fantastic in this, and everything. As soon as I told him Granny was dying, he got out his computer and booked me a flight home as soon as possible. Tony is amazing.
Since he had just started his new job he was not able to come back with me. It’s been hell being here, going through all of this without him. With my neurological condition I cannot let myself get too upset or it can put me in the hospital. Crying is actually physically painful for me. At times this month I have been so stressed out trying to keep my emotions in check, I was actually shaking. Tony is usually the calming factor in my life. But at least I have managed to get through this month here in Kansas without giving in to my emotions. I look forward to getting home with Tony so I can deal with my grief. At least when I am in Germany, if I need to go to the hospital I have insurance there.
I leave for Germany this Thursday. I hate leaving my mother. I know it’s going to be so hard on her here. Dad is here with her but he’s not really good at being understanding and comforting. She will internalize everything as she always does. But I have to keep reminding myself I cannot fix her life for her. I can only direct my own. But I will always love her and be just a text or Skype call away for her.
I hope to get back on track with my own plans when I get back to Dusseldorf. I have the first installment of a western book series to get finished and published and need to get back to working regularly for the movie company. When I go home, I take with me years of wonderful memories with my Granny and a few items to keep her close to me no matter where I go.